I feel guilt.
1) For putting my own needs first.
2) For no longer focusing on building "our" nest, but instead choosing to focus on building "my" nest.
3) For not helping with any more rehab-centered projects, because I never do them right/good enough/in the right order.
4) For only washing dishes and doing normal cleaning.
5) That I ever did his laundry.
6) For not coming home until late last night, even though I was having a marvelous time.
7) For the fact that he hadn't smoked or drank all evening, and was actually sober at 11:45 p.m. when I arrived home; the first 11:45 p.m. he's been sober since my arrival.
8) That when he suggested apology sex that morning I just didn't respond -- not a yes or a no, just a void.
9) When he put on Firefly during lunch as an apology, I only dropped in for five minutes.
10) Because I sat on the porch, glued to my laptop, instead of hanging out with him, all day.
11) I needed to yell at Dede. A lot. To make her behave. And now I feel bad, because I know her old family used to abuse her a lot. But she wouldn't stop whining, and she wouldn't go home, and she wouldn't stop harassing the kitten and after 4 non-stop hours of whining, I was so angry I accidentally sliced open my thumb by slamming it between the fridge and freezer top/down drawers.
So now I'm bleeding, and the dogs are pouting, and no one is happy, and there's no nargile tobacco in the house, but if I leave, Dede might come in and eat the kitten. And I would return home to fur and blood.
I feel guilty for:
Wanting to move out.
Wanting a room of my own with a door that closes
Having cat dander, which he is allergic to, even though I'm allowing the dogs and their dander into the bedroom, which I am allergic to do.
When he made me a nice directional map, but then accidentally locked me out, for being angry and not accepting his nice apologies.
I've lost it. I've lost all desire to hop in his lap, to cover him with kisses, to snuggle up next to him on the couch. I don't care about what he's thinking or talking about; he never remembers anything I tell him anyway -- he's too drunk. I slept next to him last night, but it was a body lying there; the soul had vanished, long ago. I wanted to not feel that corporeal/spiritual disconnect, I had wanted it to be about me.
I wanted to have sex without being drunk; I wanted to feel fully and experience fully. He won't take me seriously, he won't listen, he doesn't value the work I'm doing around the house, even though it is physically and mentally and emotionally taxing.
He also pulled the, "I'm the one who pays rent/bills around here," line Sunday night. At which point any and all emotion I had for him, interest whatsoever, fizzled into a fluff in the air, dissolving instantly. I've heard that before; I refuse that. I have valor and value and I am doing exceedingly useful time saving things. I have offered to do all sorts of extra tasks and work and am trying quite hard to accept and follow his schedule and to do things as he thinks they should be done.
It's somehow never good enough.
2) For no longer focusing on building "our" nest, but instead choosing to focus on building "my" nest.
3) For not helping with any more rehab-centered projects, because I never do them right/good enough/in the right order.
4) For only washing dishes and doing normal cleaning.
5) That I ever did his laundry.
6) For not coming home until late last night, even though I was having a marvelous time.
7) For the fact that he hadn't smoked or drank all evening, and was actually sober at 11:45 p.m. when I arrived home; the first 11:45 p.m. he's been sober since my arrival.
8) That when he suggested apology sex that morning I just didn't respond -- not a yes or a no, just a void.
9) When he put on Firefly during lunch as an apology, I only dropped in for five minutes.
10) Because I sat on the porch, glued to my laptop, instead of hanging out with him, all day.
11) I needed to yell at Dede. A lot. To make her behave. And now I feel bad, because I know her old family used to abuse her a lot. But she wouldn't stop whining, and she wouldn't go home, and she wouldn't stop harassing the kitten and after 4 non-stop hours of whining, I was so angry I accidentally sliced open my thumb by slamming it between the fridge and freezer top/down drawers.
So now I'm bleeding, and the dogs are pouting, and no one is happy, and there's no nargile tobacco in the house, but if I leave, Dede might come in and eat the kitten. And I would return home to fur and blood.
I feel guilty for:
Wanting to move out.
Wanting a room of my own with a door that closes
Having cat dander, which he is allergic to, even though I'm allowing the dogs and their dander into the bedroom, which I am allergic to do.
When he made me a nice directional map, but then accidentally locked me out, for being angry and not accepting his nice apologies.
I've lost it. I've lost all desire to hop in his lap, to cover him with kisses, to snuggle up next to him on the couch. I don't care about what he's thinking or talking about; he never remembers anything I tell him anyway -- he's too drunk. I slept next to him last night, but it was a body lying there; the soul had vanished, long ago. I wanted to not feel that corporeal/spiritual disconnect, I had wanted it to be about me.
I wanted to have sex without being drunk; I wanted to feel fully and experience fully. He won't take me seriously, he won't listen, he doesn't value the work I'm doing around the house, even though it is physically and mentally and emotionally taxing.
He also pulled the, "I'm the one who pays rent/bills around here," line Sunday night. At which point any and all emotion I had for him, interest whatsoever, fizzled into a fluff in the air, dissolving instantly. I've heard that before; I refuse that. I have valor and value and I am doing exceedingly useful time saving things. I have offered to do all sorts of extra tasks and work and am trying quite hard to accept and follow his schedule and to do things as he thinks they should be done.
It's somehow never good enough.
posted by Kari Stevenson @ 8:43 AM
1 Comments:
At 2:21 PM,
That redheaded one said…
You deserve better.
Than someone who comes home drunk every night. Than someone who will play the Money card with you when you are in a new place and are trying. Who does not extend the same courtesies to you that he expects for himself.
You deserve better than someone who won't let you do your own things. You derserve someone will want you for who you are and What your vision is and Where you want to go. You deserve to be yourself instead of what any guy want;s you to be. You know this.... Stop settling for less
"anything less than extraordinary is a waste of time."
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