Pirates Need Good Mateys, Yo! (and hotwenches.erm.)

Of late, Pirate Lina had discovered that one of her mateys wasn't treating her right. As an proper pirate though, she only realized this after two weeks of drinking herself to sleep at night. (Not grog; actually Crane Lake Petit Sirah is the preferred way of doing it.) Towards the end of the two weeks she realized she didn't remember her last sober evening, and wondered why.

After some serious introspection and analysis, she found that pretty hipster bfa sweetheart was secretly and brilliantly making her miserable. So, she did the socially responsible thing and asked him to stop. She gave him a trial-period. He failed it. So, at the urging of her other mateys:
L: "But when it's good, it's so good."
J: "So's cocaine."

G: (advising from France!)
"A man can be happy with any woman as long as he does not love her." [citing Oscar Wilde]
She rang him and communicated that since he couldn't treat her as a proper wench, she was going to call it quits.
[insert reference to Brokeback here]

Showing up at a popular pirate haunt in town on Friday night, [henceforth to be called "The Squid"], she thought she had taken the cake, flaunting his pin-striped pants with fabulous creases. [Plus, the ultimate pirate shoe - Chakos!] [And the Oh Boy! tshirt couresty of lecornichonmai.] Only to discover that he had beaten her to the punch:

L to R and C: Plus, I'm totally wearing his pants! See! I do want to keep them.
C: But he's wearing your shirt!
L: Wha?
[turns around]
stage direction in italics: up walks E. with the general k. carrying junk food from the Black Market, wearing the perfect raspberry colored pirate shirt with incredible cuffs and cut-long-tunic-length
L: [shocked stare] [eats peach gummy circles]
R and C: [cat in cream grins]